Sunday, December 30, 2012

On the use of firecrackers

Originally posted in FB, 12-31-2010.

Happy New Year!


Firecrackers are like firearms: You DO NOT dick with them inappropriately unless you're looking to see something or someone (most likely yourself) blown to bits.

I mean, how hard can it be to use these explosive implements RESPONSIBLY? Common sense in using these implements of revelry, tree-and-animal nazis (the tree- and animal-huggers who freak like Hitler on Jews or al-Qaeda on non-Muslims or Jack Chick on Catholics when they see the things) be damned (because they have a mad-on for these explosive devices), can be found in such simple things:

1. ResponsibleSOBER adults should light them up. If your kids are that responsible, however... Good for you.
2. When they blow up, keep your distance.
3. When they fail, douse them IMMEDIATELY. With water, unless you want all sorts of hell to break loose.
4. When some idiot (hopefully NOT you) gets himself injured because he went too close or dicked around, have him treated.
5. DO NOT use fireARMS in place of or along with fireCRACKERS. God help you if you do.
6. Buy Legal. It may cost more, but you can enjoy assured that your five-second fuse is five seconds instead of just two or, heaven forbid, a split-second.

Follow these tips, and you need not worry about blowing something or someone up. God help you if that tickles your fancy, you psychotic fuck.

Happy New Year!