Tuesday, January 30, 2018

Three poems, all full of pain

Since my last post, I've been dealing with the pain in a way I thought was lost to me; three poems attest to this.

The first poem involves a byproduct of my paranoia as a youth; I was once so paranoid I would devise at least three ways to kill a specific person where they stood, and in this poem, I pointed out four ways to off myself.

Four Paths of Ending

There is a .45 in a room
Belonging to my boss;
Yet buried in my gloom
All I can feel is my loss.

In a drawer in the kitchen
Lies a wicked sharp knife;
I can sense the edges itching
To steal my broken life.

Several meters of power cord
Lie across the den;
Yet, alas! I can ill afford
To ask that question: “When?”

By my side, a lethal cocktail
For before I go to bed
Screams that I must not fail
If truly, I should be dead.

The second poem I gave a title that was admittedly more of a Naruto reference. "The world shall know Pain" and all that...yet the last part of that poem involves me driving off a bridge into the abyss below--another way of ending myself.

Six Paths of Loss

It is said that there are many ways to skin a cat;
Tell me, is that true?
If so, I’d like a little of that
Juice imbibed by you.

If only to assuage the pain,
The agony of a broken heart,
I’m willing to board an express train
Going all the way to the start.

From strangers, to friends and more,
My journey has gone far;
Now before you dismiss me as a bore,
Let me get the car.

Hand me something from the fridge,
Before I cross this bend,
And watch as I go drive off the bridge
And meet my final end.

The third poem is more me bleeding out in pain than anything else; loss is its own agony, as it were, and even as I post this I feel that loss keenly.

Unwanted, unneeded, unaccepted, unloved

Wanted? I am obviously not;
The fact that the world is against me truly says a lot.
Did you want me to speak out, to raise my cup?
Or are you waiting for a reason to gang up?

Did you need me today, were you looking for a friend?
Or were you looking for a reason to see to my end?
I know where this goes, I’m no stranger to it;
It is truly clear that I’m simply unfit.

Acceptance? What is that to me?
What is it to one who can only be
Rejected by those around me wherever I go?
Truly, I am doomed to remain solo.

As for love, where do I begin?
The one thing that I failed to win
Is also the one thing that I am doomed to lose;
Such a pain cannot be erased by booze.

In any case, I seem to have an abundance of pain; in the interest of full disclosure, I had attempted to off myself just recently--by which I mean yesterday, with a wicked edge itching to steal my broken life, as it were.

Perhaps the part of me that still pushes me to live took over, because a few hours after the attempt, I called the NGF hotline. Looks like I owe someone an explanation...